2019: Book-ending the Decade

As midnight strikes tonight here in the Philippines, the decade will have turned and a new year will welcome all of us. It's been quite a while since I've posted something in this little blog of mine. Much has happened since my last post.

I'm still alive, largely so. I could even say I'm much more alive now than the last time I've walked these grounds and shared what at the time were my truths and ideals. As cliche as it sounds, nothing is ever permanent. Things are always bound to change, one way or another.

Your muse, the one you've given your entire heart, even your whole life if they so wanted it, the one whom you swore you will never be able to forget, turns out to be just another chapter in the saga of your heart, albeit a long and impactful one. And since the poem I last posted (Fireworks), I found myself in the arms of a few more love interests, each bringing with them a kernel of wisdom and knowledge both about myself and about the life I am living.

This blog post serves as a book-ending article as I look back on the closing of another decade of my life. I've learned so much leaving this era behind than when I first entered it.

I saw myself at some of my lowest and darkest points. Before, I never understood the weight and the gravity of the things that I could possibly do. Neither was I aware of them. I had the vaguest idea of just how unceasingly loyal I could be to the right person, and just how I could easily betray the hearts of those closest to me. Several years back, I always believed I was ready for love and romance, that if it would just come to me, I would know how to handle it, how to nurture it. Then, all of a sudden, I'm thrust in a relationship I wasn't actually invested in, only to leave it in an explosive fashion that saw me almost completely severing my ties with some of the people who touched my heart.

Life has a funny way of proving you wrong when you are so certain of the things you hold dear. At the time, I thought it was malicious and cruel, how something could so easily slip from your grip and be beyond your reach in an instant. Now, I view it as something that warns you to never be complacent, but to be ever-grateful.

Love has been the major theme of this decade. The first half, from 2010 to 2014, saw me struggling over self-acceptance and self-improvement. I falsely believed that I was unworthy of love and belonging due to the inherent flaws that I possess. And because of my fears of being utterly replaceable, I shunned out all of those who bring nothing but good intentions. I don't blame myself for it anyway. Growing up, I was always taught to be the best, and if best doesn't mean the pinnacle, then it wasn't enough.

But no one person could operate like this, could they? And so the process of appreciating myself for who I am became central as the decade progressed. Accepting your own shortcomings as a person is admittedly challenging. I was fighting my own ego in exchange for humility. The self who could not tolerate failure was confronted with setbacks here and there. But somehow, somewhere along the middle, I was beginning to take it to heart.

This blog could well be interpreted as the midpoint of my journey. Born in 2015, it was my way of expressing all that I have ever learned. It was meant as the space for which my philosophical roots could flourish and allow me to understand and make sense of everything I've undergone.

The second half of my decade began shortly thereafter, from 2015 to 2019. Love still is the major theme, only this time, I was opening up to romance. It was admittedly naivete that got the best of me as I hurled through my first-ever relationship unprepared and without thinking. And for that, I paid a huge price.

But romance wasn't the only love I was being exposed to. I met people without whom I don't think I would've been able to survive all those trying times. It's funny how someone can be a complete stranger at first, but in hindsight, you wouldn't know where you would be if it weren't for them. They are like family to me, real friends I know I can count on through thick and thin.

Love inevitably comes with pain. Every wholehearted relationship we engage in will open us up to vulnerabilities, and with our vulnerabilities comes the likelihood that we will get hurt, one way or another. But I argue that it's necessary.

As Brené Brown, an authority on vulnerability and connection research, puts it, vulnerability is unpleasant, but it is necessary. If we were to have as authentic a connection as possible, then being vulnerable is non-negotiable. A philosophy on life that would've been impossible for me to subscribe to almost a decade ago is now a daily endeavor that I want to keep practicing.

Love is still a major theme in my life. The willingness to jump right into it requires me to wholeheartedly believe in it.

To be vulnerable with me means confronting the worst possible sides I possess and still believe I can be much better today than I was yesterday. Love has never been about tolerating the errors I commit; it's about seeing those wrongs and still believing in the goodness that I possess.

To be vulnerable to the world means opening myself up to the people I love and care for. To love as much as I can regardless of the circumstances, without regard to what's in it for me. To walk right into romance despite the painful experiences I've dealt with in the past, filled with the same old hope and wonder, as if it were my first time falling in love all over again. To love someone as recklessly as I can even if they're not meant for me in this lifetime.

Honestly, 2019 saw me reeling from two successive heartbreaks. But 2019 also saw me recovering and accepting things as they are, to let love and to let go. To love friends even as they drift away slowly. To let go of people even if they meant so much to you. To love, not because, but despite.

And I know that love will still be a major theme in my life as this decade takes its bow and the next one comes along. There is still so much more to learn about myself and about the world we live in and about the life I am living.

And I know that this little blog, this little space I have saved for myself several years back, will still be the small town that I will always come back to, no matter how big the cities I travel to are, no matter how wide and expansive the oceans I cross are, no matter how tall and seemingly insurmountable the mountains I conquer are.

After all, to love is to be human, and this is precisely the reason why this blog was born: To talk about humanity and all the things that make us human.